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Illustration for article titled Jubilant ISIS Prisoners Hail American Liberators

Ain’t it just grand?

AIN ISSA, SYRIA—As they streamed out of detention camps in northern Syria following U.S. withdrawal of military support in the region, jubilant ISIS prisoners on Monday hailed their American liberators. “We never thought we’d see the day when someone would finally stand up for us and free us from the Syrian Democratic Forces’ clutches,” said ISIS member Mohsin Al-Lateef as hundreds of his recently liberated fellow jihadist militants praised President Donald Trump and raised American flags in tribute to their emancipators. “For years, we opposed the United States for their intervention in our lands, but now we see that they strongly believe in our mission to establish a caliphate across our ancient lands and put infidels to death. We will honor the U.S. for not only standing down in support of our fight against the Syrian Kurds but for stoking chaos in the region to give us a chance to regroup and re-emerge stronger than ever before. God bless America!” At press time, President Trump had shared a video of the liberated ISIS prisoners celebrating and thanked them for their support.

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Trump Says US Economy Never Stronger: ‘People Who Had One Job Now Have Two

Donald Trump has rejected claims the country’s economy is faltering, saying many Americans now enjoy twice as many jobs as they had under Obama.

Trump used a rally in Ohio yesterday to tell supporters the economy was stronger than ever and that he had never seen so many jobs.

“You wouldn’t believe how many jobs people have these days. So many jobs. I said I would bring back jobs to America and now people are telling me they’ve never had so many jobs in their life. It’s incredible, believe me”.

Mr Trump said he regularly met people who had increased their number of jobs by 200% since he became President.

“Just the other day I met a guy who works at Walmart during the day, as a cleaner at night and an Uber driver on weekends. In the past he would’ve just had one job. Thank you Mr President”.

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Special Report… Just Breaking

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The special counsel Robert Mueller ignited a firestorm of controversy on Wednesday by recommending that millions of Americans read.

Mueller, seemingly oblivious to the uproar he was about to create, repeatedly commented that there was valuable information available to the American people only by reading a long book.

At the White House, sources said that Donald J. Trump was furious about Mueller’s statement because he interpreted the special counsel’s pro-reading message as a thinly veiled attack on him.

Speaking to reporters later, on the White House lawn, Trump made it clear that Mueller’s exhortation to read had fallen on deaf ears.

“I’ve never read any of my books, and I certainly don’t intend to read his,” Trump said.